Over the course of my multiple careers, I've put in a lot of hours counseling people through crisis situations. I've been screamed at, cursed, threatened with firearms and most anything else you can imagine. However, in every case, we found some resolution, some peace, and deepened a positive relationship with each other. I hope I've learned a few things along the way and am excited to share one of those insights with you on this post.
I've learned something I believe to be crucial for effectively leading and managing people. I want to share that with you in hopes that you will not only be able to apply this insight to others but also to yourself. Here it comes . . .
Everyone Has a Default Set of Reactions
Everyone has their CASTLE: the place from which they react when they feel besieged and forced into a corner.
In my experience, it seems as if each person has a DEFAULT set of reactions that kick in if they feel threatened. Time and again, they will react the same way. Let me give you two examples.
Example One
One person I was responsible for (and you can't make me say where or when) would come out fighting if threatened or if she thought she was being threatened. She didn't think about it; she just came storming out swinging and kicking. To her, any unexpected (but normal) thing that came along sounded like the starting bell for the beginning of the round.
When I learned about her family environment–father, mother and all siblings who were contentious and unbelievably demanding of each other–I understood how this DEFAULT got set in her. Furthermore, my identification of DEFAULT helped me anticipate and manage her reactions and truly help her fit in and remain productive.
Example Two
I'm going to either be slightly transparent or less opaque here because I'm going to reveal my DEFAULT reaction to extreme pressure–I run! I'm not alone. I find a multitude of runners to the left and right of me if I ditch everything and hit the road. Fortunately, I became aware of this fairly early in my life and have been able to manage it since my first career path so that I've been able to stick through each subsequent challenge.
However, I'm still a runner at heart. If the troops are besieging my CASTLE, I'm looking for the secret passage out the back and planning a little trip to the next continent.
How You Can Use This Insight
As I wrote above, if you can identify others' CASTLES, you can head off problems before the reactions kick in and you can interdict the problems before they fully manifest. When you know what their CASTLE looks like, you can plan your approach: soft or hard, direct or indirect, slow or fast, etc. You can help them understand why they react they way they do and help them manage their reactions.
If you understand your own DEFAULT reactions, you can manage yourself. You can resist the temptation to fight, to jump and run, to give up, or whatever your ingrained and practiced set or reactions are. You can manage yourself and provide the kind of stability that is necessary for effective leadership.
Let me know how this works out for you and if it helps.
-richporr
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